For the past few months, one of my friend groups has been acting weird. You know the feeling, wouldn't like your Instagram pics, responses to text about hanging out days later with “sorry I’m busy”, then gets a new phone and doesn’t put your phone number in it.

For these friends in particular the one I considered to be the closest with this was some obvious red flags that something was wrong.

Well, last week there was a party and I was tired and I didn’t end up going but that friend group was all there together. Earlier that day I had texted one of them asking if they could hang out before school started. I only saw her text the morning after saying she was really busy this week and she would just see me at school. She sent the text while she was at the party with all the other friends that have all been acting weird towards me. I only know that via multiple social media sources.

The next morning a few hours after reading the text message I grew quite sad realizing I really wasn’t friends with this group anymore and that they didn’t want to hang out. I also know this friend very well and know she could have most definitely made time to hang out for an hour or two or make plans for a later date. People make time for what’s important for them and to not be a priority or be worth someone’s time that you once put a high value on hurts. AND THAT IS OK.

From past experiences I’ve noticed, what’s been really hard for me is understanding what I did wrong in these relationships. I want to know the why, even if it has nothing to do with me, just so understand if I am doing something wrong that I am not aware of. The WHY is what happens to be in the back of my brain. It’s human nature to be curious but some things we aren’t met to know. And that can be hard depending on the situation to cope with.

So I sent this text: “Oh ok I get the hint the last couple of months, you don’t want to hang out. It kinda hurt my feelings that you sent this text while you were hanging out with everyone last night. I am not sure what I did or said”

Immediately after, I felt awful. I was being a level of vulnerability that was allowing something to end that I didn’t want to end. I cried for a bit but afterward, I felt much better. she responded fast saying (which she hadd’t done in months) saying, “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m going through some personal stuff right now and I don’t feel comfortable going into detail about it. I know I’ve been a very distant friend recently but I’m not at a point in my life where I can be the friend that you need.”

To which my response was “ok I thought that I did something to hurt your feeling and you were mad at me. Sorry to hear you are going through personal stuff. I don’t need you to be any type of friend for me. Just know that if you need me I will always make time for you”

and her final text saying, “Thanks I appreciate it. See you at school”

The last couple of months I’ve been mentally searching for things I could have said in the past or done that could have been the reason why these people don’t want to spend time with me anymore. Part of me knows deep down I truly haven't seen or spoken to these people in a few months from being out of town and don’t know what’s going on in their lives and their reality. I have virtually no idea. It’s so easy to make assumptions and assume that you did something but maybe I’m taking it personally and they could be struggling in a way that I don’t see. I mean we focus so much on ourselves, and in this situation, it’s not actually about me. I hope ther’re all doing ok.

All experiences are meant to be a lesson, and from this one, I have learned not to force a friendship that once was. not to chase a friendship and

Although this might not be the end of our friendship it felt like a polite breakup. Some things have to end for other things to begin in your life.

top: Urban Outfitters/ bottom: Big Bud Press