Relationships are hard

In the last year, I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons about boundaries. How others treat you but more importantly how you let others treat you. Creating that sense of personal responsibility of, yes someone might not treat you the right way but part of why this happens is that you let them consistently treat you like this. Words can change but if the action doesn’t, then those words virtually mean nothing.

I did something last night that I’m really proud of myself for. I said something that surprised everyone in the room, but who was most surprised was me. I’m really proud of myself. One of my friends likes to talk about someone, I had a really negative experience with. So negative that I don’t have them in my life anymore. She knows how that person treated me, hugged me while I cried about it. For my personal well being, I don’t like hearing this person’s name…. it kills my vibe and reminds me of a time when I felt shame. Every time (which is literally every time we hang out)she would mention their name and I would change the subject to avoid saying I don’t what to hear, or talk about this person. I didn’t want to make it a big deal and cause drama I just wanted to delete this person from my conversations.

My friend is basically still friends with this person and it makes me really uncomfortable. Why is she so buddy-buddy with this person? Why are other people telling me they are always seeing them together at school.Her actions of being friends with this person after she saw how they treated me… hurt my feelings. It felt like a slap in the face. Her actions made it seem like how they treated me was ok. That they didn’t do anything wrong because she is always chitty-chatty with them. Here’s an example what if someone punched your friend in the face, and you watched the punch happen. Would you still be cool with them, and never mention how fucked up they were for hitting your homie?

I have started to resent the fact that she is so insensitive to my feelings. The whole thing just makes me feel uncomfortable and not want to be around my friend anymore or friends with her at all. Sounds kinda could cut… I know. This particular negative experience really changed my perspective on a lot of things in my life. Because of it, I have become such a healthier, more confident version of myself. I’m grateful for how much I was able to grow from that situation and that I’m able to make lemonade with such sour lemons.

Anyway, so last night she brought up again, and finally after 10 months of feeling how I felt I finally said something. I told her that I didn’t like talking about this person and how it made me uncomfortable that she was such good friends with them. Now granted I was getting a bit upset as I was talking and she didn’t really understand why. She wanted to change the subject and I wanted to continue explaining why I was upset because she didn’t get it. The more I talked the more emotional I got because I was finally letting it out. The fact that I have been resenting her for it all these months made it a bit more emotional than I wanted to be. But once I was done I felt so much better, my body instantly got less tense. I wanted to apologize so many times for making her feel uncountable but every time I stopped myself. Why should I apologize for how I feel? For expressing myself and saying what others didn’t want to hear?  I could tell my point didn’t really get across, and another friend was with us. Later that night I walked home with just her and said I didn’t want to talk about this person again after tonight but I wanted to finish the conversation. I tried to explain my perspective of how it was messed up that she said she understood and never looked at it that way. Relationships are hard, and having this conversation was one that I avoided having for too long. I said what I said, I am and was being honest and authentic and if she continues to act how she acts I don’t have to have that person in my life anymore and that’s ok. Or maybe she won’t want to be friends with me anymore and that’s ok too. Being totally transparent with people is a really hard thing, and some people don’t like the truth or how you feel and that’s ok. I don’t have to be friends with everyone it’s ok to outgrow, and change who you want to surround yourself with. I no longer feel any resentment towards her anymore because she had no clue I felt that way, or how that could be hurtful.
at the end of the day, it’s just about being mindful of what you want to put energy towards <3

scarf & belt:BananaRepublic/shorts:OldNavy/tanktop:Levis/ shoes:Crocs